Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Crappy day

**Warning - I'm upset and this post has some bad language. Don't read it if you're easily offended. I swear when I'm upset. You've been warned. Thank you. **

My husband Jeremy left to spend 10 days in California last week, doing some electrical work at his mother's house, so I made plans to go out with a couple of friends Saturday night. Just as I was getting ready to walk out the door, the phone rang and Trevor answered it. He looked at me and said quietly, "it's nana" and held the phone out to me.

My mother and I got into an "argument" over a month ago. I have always been the one to give in and try to make nice, but this time I decided that I was sick of being the doormat, sick of wondering if I WASN'T the one to make nice, if she'd ever care enough to call me or the kids, her GRANDCHILDREN. So the past month goes by, and every now and then I'd catch myself crying over it, but then I'd pull myself together and just go on. Apparently, my sister and her son Josh, who is 11 years old, were over my parent's house Friday night. My mother mentioned making plans for Christmas, and Josh started crying and said "When are you going to call my auntie? I want my whole family together for Christmas!!" So she promised him that she'd call me.

So OK - Saturday night, I'm about to walk out the door with my friends and she calls. So I get on the phone and I try SUPER hard to sound really nice, and I said "Hi mom - I can't believe you're calling right now, I'm just walking out the door." and I was kind of laughing, you know, like what bad timing. So she says kind of bitchy, "well, I was going to ask if I could come over, but I guess not." So I said "Oh - well, not tonight -but how about tomorrow night?" and she says "I have to work." So I said "OK mom" and she waited a minute and said "What about Monday night?" and I said "Sure! Any night is fine, I just happen to be going out tonight." So she said "OK - see you Monday."

Sunday afternoon, Papa calls me (Papa is my step-dad but more like my real dad) and I told him that mom was coming over Monday night, and that I hoped she wasn't planning on being bitchy when she got here, and he was like "No, Jenn, I'm sure she won't be, you know her... blah blah blah" So I was a little anxious with the anticipation, but also kind of excited and relieved to be getting it over with. I mean, she's my MOM, you know? She's my kids NANA.

So - Monday, I go to work. I come home at 5:15 and I make a frozen pizza for us for dinner because I don't want my mom to walk in when we're in the middle of a big dinner. Next thing I know, it's 7:00, no mom. 7:30, no mom. My kids start asking me "is she coming?" and I kind of snap, "I DON'T KNOW!" Around 8:30, I went up to my bedroom to watch TV. I kept running to the windows every time I heard a car go by. I went in Cassidy's room, and she was sitting next to her window with the blinds open, also watching for Nana. I gave up on her around 9:30, but I couldn't sleep. Neither could Cassidy. I lay down with her for about a half hour and we talked, and I swore that I would commit suicide before I would EVER hurt her or let her suffer and feel as bad as my mother makes me feel, and I mean that with all my heart. I'd rather be dead than act like her. By 11:00 p.m., I knew my mother was at work and wasn't even going to call me. I wasn't sure how I felt, I felt kind of numb.

I couldn't sleep. Kept waking up sweating. Turned off my alarm clock and figured I'd sleep a little late. Got up late and Cassidy didn't feel good - she's like me, she gets physically ill when she's really upset and/or emotional, my poor little mini-me-basket-case! LOL So I left Papa a voice mail message on his cell phone saying "I don't know what happened, but I was like a pathetic child waiting for Santa last night - in the window hoping that every car was my mother." Then I sent my sister a text message saying that mom never came over last night. My mother gets home from work around 7:30 a.m. , so Michelle called her and said, "Mom, did you forget about Jenn last night??" and my loving, caring, wonderful mother said "No, she didn't really act like she wanted me to - and Trevor didn't seem to, either."

I shit you not - this is a 59-year-old woman, OK? This is my MOTHER - Trevor's GRANDMOTHER. She is heartless, mean, cold, and a bigtime BITCH. I am done. The whole reason that I was mad at her was because of how she treated Trevor - so what did she THINK was going to happen, that after 5 weeks of ignoring us all, we were all going to start singing and dancing when she finally did decide to call?? Are you kidding me? Trevor is 15 years old - he's just a kid! You're going to blame him? I burst into tears and hung up with my sister and called my mother's house. My brother answered and said my mother was in bed (she has NO problem sleeping apparently. Must be nice.). I told him to tell her that as far as me and my kids are concerned, I hope she dies.

I did - I said that. And the worst part is that part of me means it. Part of me just wishes she'd die, so I could cry and mourn her and miss her and not be continuously fucking hurt over and over and over again. The other part of me feels like the biggest asshole in the world for saying that. I guess my brother called my sister when I hung up and said "I can't tell mom that - what do I say?" and Michelle said "Say whatever you want, but you have to tell her that Jenn called upset. You have to understand that we're just DONE - she doesn't act like she cares about us, she went 7 months without talking to me, and only started talking to me when I showed up at her house. Now she's doing it to Jenn, and we're just done."

So now it's 10:00 a.m. and I haven't stopped crying since around 8:00. I had to call in to work because I'm like a blubbering idiot. Every time I open my mouth to say something, I burst into tears. The thing that pisses me off the most is that I was doing fine - I was sad, I was hurt, but I was fine. I don't understand why she did this to me. She's so selfish and mean - you see, she's pissed because she wanted to come over Saturday night - because that would have been convenient for her. She didn't work Saturday night. Why she didn't just come Sunday during the day or something, I have no idea. But I am sick to death of her expecting US to always make accomodations based on HER schedule. Fuck her - it wasn't CONVENIENT that I happened to have plans already, and I'm sure it really screwed with her that I didn't DROP those plans because Super Mom wanted to come over THAT NIGHT. This is how she is with everything and always has been my whole life - she'll take a night off or work something out with her job if her precious Jimmy and his son, Christopher, want to do something - she'll take a night off or re-arrange her schedule if one of her sisters or her mother wants to make plans. But me and Michelle? Fuck us. We don't matter, apparently. When my kids were little, I'd try to make plans months in advance and I'd need a babysitter and ask her and she'd say "Well, I usually work on those nights, so I can't say for sure." EVERYTHING - everything - never in my life has she said "Oh sure, honey, thanks for telling me 2 months in advance, I'll be sure to schedule that night off." No, not my mom. As a matter of fact, there's been times we've actually had plans and she's called to cancel because she got a chance to work overtime. Can't turn that down, even if it breaks your daughter's heart, you know. Jimmy needs cigarettes, and those things are expensive!

So now she's going to lie flat-out and say that I didn't act like I wanted her to come? Bullshit. My friend Missy was standing RIGHT THERE when I had the conversation, and when I hung up, Missy said "You did SOOO good - you were so happy and chipper, I'm proud of you." And I know I was, because I truly was happy that she finally called. Of course, at that point I didn't know that my 11-year-old nephew had pretty much guilted her into it - but even that wouldn't have bothered me if things had worked out. I am absolutely heart-broken, and I feel sick to my stomach.

So - my brother says to my sister, "Well, did she tell you why she didn't go?" and Michelle said "Yeah, she said she didn't think Jenn wanted her there." And he said, "No - when she got out of the bathroom after waking up, there were 3 cops and my probation officer here wanting to do a house check. They were here for a while." Ahhh - OK - so now it's starting to make sense. Once again, my loser brother has something to do with it. Let me tell you, probation officers do not just show up with 3 cops to do "house checks" at 7-8:00 at night for the hell of it. So apparently my brother is acting like a loser again - which doesn't surprise me, because he was doing "OK" for a while - and it never lasts long. So instead of calling me and apologizing and admitting what was REALLY going on, she's pretending that I didn't really act like I wanted her here anyway.

I'm feeling so bitter, and I hate it. My heart hurts and I feel like I'm losing my mind sometimes. I absolutely hate it. It is making me feel sick. I wish my husband was home, I miss him. I guess I'm just going to feel sorry for myself today and hope that I can get over it soon. I'm pissed that I missed work today, I'm pissed that I let her have that much power over me that I can barely even hold myself together. I should KNOW BETTER by now, I shouldn't be surprised or even upset about any of this. So I guess that's why I'm mad, too, mad at myself for letting it upset me so much. I absolutely hate conflict, confrontation, arguments - but at the same time, as much as I hate all of that, I won't tolerate being treated like crap or letting my kids be treated like crap.

Writing makes me feel better, so I write. I much prefer to write happy, funny, upbeat blogs - but I have to write from my heart, so every now and then, I am sorry to depress you all with these maniacal ravings. LOL It helps to know that people care, and that I'm not alone. Thanks for sticking with me. I hope to be back to "myself" soon - I'm not a good self-pitier, really. I don't even have any chocolate to eat while I cry and feel sorry for myself today. LOL

Peace, my friends.


  1. Hugs to you Jenn! I just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you! Donna

  2. Oh Jenn. Just know that I am thinking about you. Shelly

  3. Jenn, I'm late in reading this but it breaks me heart to know what you've been going through. I hope that you are doing better now and will say prayers for you.

    Hugs, Mindy