Friday, October 31, 2008

Another day...

Well, I figured I'd update since I have been pouring my heart out this week. Yesterday afternoon at work, my sister came into my office and informed me that she was following me home and taking me to my mother's to talk to her. Being the wimp that I am, I couldn't refuse. LOL Seriously, though, I don't really think I'm a wimp - I think it's more that I just can't stand living like this. And apparently my mother was never going to make the first move, so I went.

It went... OK. I tried to explain how I feel, why I feel the way I do, as many of you suggested. But my mom is just - different. She doesn't really listen. She seems to only care about how it makes HER feel. I let her tell me her take on the situation (she says she thought I was supposed to call her Monday night and that I never did so she figured I didn't want her to come over) and I listened and told her that I could see that we obviously had very different perspectives on it - but when I told her how I felt and MY perspective on it, she was just like "Well, that's not how I saw it." I told her I cried all night waiting for her to come over, cried all day the next day to the point that I had to call in sick to work. She acted like she didn't even hear me. No "I'm so sorry you felt that way", nothing like that. Which is what I kind of wanted and needed, but whatever. She really doesn't get it and I just have to accept that we are completely different people, I guess.

Now, I am 37 years old and she's been my mother my whole life. So the real question that I'm asking myself is why this is suddenly so very upsetting to me NOW - when in the past, I've managed to just deal with it - ignore her, let it go, etc. I don't know why it hurts so bad all of a sudden, or why I'm so surprised.

Anyway, Michelle was awesome through the whole thing and I could not have done it without her. No way. She's so cute, she's getting her BA in Psychology right now, which is what I did about 6 years ago - and it's so cute listening to her talk about Cognitive Psychology and why we feel the way we do. She told my mom, "Listen, it doesn't matter if we're 20, 35, or 50 years old - when it comes to you, we will always feel like 12-year-olds." The point she was trying to make was that as the MOM, she really should make more of an effort - especially if she knows her kids are upset or angry. She claims she didn't know why I was ever upset with her to begin with - so my question was "Then why didn't you ask?" Her answer? "I figured you'd call me when you were ready." To me, that's not acceptable. If Cassidy was mad at me and I did not even know WHY, you can bet your sweet ass that I would call her relentlessly and/or plop my ass on her front steps and refuse to leave until she told me why. Anyway, Michelle is going to make someone a very good counselor or therapist some day. She can stay calm and talk about stuff, hard stuff. I can't stay calm, no matter how hard I try. My heart just starts pounding and my stomach feels sick and I start crying and I want to lash out. Even now, as I type this, my eyes are filled with tears.

I had a good talk with my brother, too. I guess he's doing OK - he looks good, he seems normal, I can only hope and pray that he really does stay clean and keep growing up. He's 33, I want him to be able to get the hell out of there and have his own life. He's hurt all of us a lot, but he's still my brother, you know? And I really try not to hold grudges - we can't change the past, so what's the point in hanging on to it, especially if it makes you feel bad? We talked about Trevor and Christopher and I explained how Trevor feels, why he's jealous, and Jimmy understands - he at least makes more of an effort to understand than my mother does. Weird. You know, now that I think about it - Trevor is actually a lot LIKE my mother - rigid thinking, stubborn, enjoys arguing with people... that's probably the reason WHY they tend to clash. LOL Maybe my mother has Asperger's.... Only half joking here - wouldn't matter, anyway, there is no way I'd ever suggest that.

When talking to my mother, at one point she cried and said that she'd love to have a life and be able to go out to dinner and spend time with the kids, but that she HAS TO work, etc. And that was really hard for me, because as I've mentioned before, one of the reasons she has to work is because she supports my brother and his child. And I get it - I do understand that you don't just abandon your son, and what else can she do? And I wouldn't want to be in her shoes for all the money in the world. And I do think about Trevor and the fact that at one point I felt so hopeless about his situation, you know? But I had to bite my tongue, because the 12-year-old little girl - DAUGHTER - in me so wanted to say "I don't care! What about ME? What about MY kids? Don't we EVER get a turn? Don't we matter?" But I didn't. Michelle knew how much it took for me to not say anything, and she just kept squeezing my hand and hugging me and stuff.

AND - my mom has been through a lot in life. I know I've blogged about it before, but she found out that my biological father was a drug addict when we were just becoming teenagers - and she divorced him almost immediately. She worked her ass off so that we wouldn't lose our home. And we were little shits - I was always getting in trouble in high school! And ultimately, I have to give credit to my mom for me turning out to be the person that I am - and I am a damn good person, and an even better mother. So she IS a good mom, she always WAS a good mom. She's just different - we are different people, and I have to quit sulking over it and wishing that she'd be something she can't be. Easier said than done, though, you know?

So we left there after about an hour, and we are OK now, I guess. Better, at least. Tomorrow we are all taking Papa out to dinner for his birthday, and I am definitely glad to be a part of that, because he really is a special guy. It's a surprise, which we've never done - so Michelle and Jimmy and I and the kids will be there waiting and my mom will pretend that she wants to take him to dinner, so when they walk in he will see us all there already. It should be fun.

Jeremy will be home Sunday and I cannot wait to see him. He's taking the red-eye home, so I'm sure he'll be exhausted when he gets here, but it's football day and he can just take it easy. Tonight is Halloween - Cassidy is already off with her friends, going trick-or-treating and then sleeping at her friend's house. I am taking Trevor out to dinner and then we'll come home and watch a movie.

Peace and Happy Halloween - stay safe.

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