Well, it certainly didn't get any better. *sigh* I stupidly hold out hope for the best most of the time, and I guess it's to my detriment to get my hopes up when it comes to my mother. Because it makes it hurt even more.
Apparently, as soon as my mother woke up the other day, my brother made sure to tell her exactly what I said. I'm not surprised, and I did say it, so I have to just deal with it. But my cell phone rang around 3:15 that afternoon, and it was my mother's house. And stupid, pathetic, optimistic me - my heart stopped for a second and I thought "This is it - she's going to call me and she's going to say 'honey, what is wrong? Can I come talk to you?' and I'd say of course!" But no. She said "JENN?" in this bitchy tone of voice, and I knew then it probably wasn't going to be good. I kind of said "mmmm?" and she said "I got your message, and I'd like to hear that from YOU." But if you could hear the TONE of my mother's voice, you'd be scared, too. So I burst into tears and started stuttering and eventually busted out with "I can't talk to you - just stay out of my life." Which she then interpreted to Papa (my step-dad) as "Yes, mom, I want you to die." I'm not kidding - that's what she told him I said.
I went to the counselor last night (Trevor's counselor, but has turned out to be just as good and therapeutic for me!) and my eyes were full of tears and I mentioned to her that I think my mom is mentally ill. She said, "that's a hard thing to say out loud, isn't it?" It really is. I joked about it for years, but I'm really serious. And the scariest thing of all is that mental illness runs in my family - BOTH sides. I have to be so careful, and so aware. I tell my husband, no matter what, he HAS to tell me if I ever start acting like that - cold, mean, uncaring, depressed, whatever. Because I WILL get help, even if I get mad when he tells me. LOL
I was crying after I talked to Papa and I said to Cassidy, "God, I wish I had a loving, caring mom - the kind you want to talk to when you're upset." And she said, "You wish you had YOU for a mom!" and I just BURST into tears and gave her a big hug and kiss and told her that she just made my day. She really put things into perspective for me - I love being a mom, I love my kids more than anything in the world - and I guess I must be doing a pretty good job at it for her to feel that way. It's not always easy to be a good mom, and I know that. We're moms, but we're also PEOPLE, we're human, our feelings get hurt, we get mad. I know that, and I understand that my own mom is also a person, a human - with her own feelings and all that. But we are MOMS first and foremost, and that means something to me. That means when my kids need me, I put aside my own feelings and opinions and I'm there for them. And I am going to try to always remember that, even when they're adults and have their own families and lives. I don't ever want my kids to feel about me the way that I feel about my mother - as if I don't matter, as if I'm just another person in her life that she can discard so damn easily without a care in the world. I don't expect my mom to always agree with me or to never get into arguments. What I did expect was for my mom to ackowledge that she hurt me, and to say she's sorry. That won't happen, though, and I just have to come to terms with it.
I talked to Jeremy last night and told him that I guess I just have to accept this and move on. If I have to go through this holiday season with no mother, then I will just have to turn myself off to make it through without having a mental breakdown. And once I turn myself off and try to make it stop hurting so bad, I will just be done - forever. I'll have to be, because I am such an emotional person that I couldn't handle the roller-coaster of it all... And Jeremy knows, more than anyone, Jeremy knows - he said "babe, it's OK - you don't deserve to feel this way, you don't need to put up with this." And I know that, but it doesn't make it any easier. She is my MOTHER. I can't just go get a new one, you know? But I have to look at it this way, because it will make it a little bit easier to get through - my mother isn't really involved in my life much when things are GOOD - so to just distance myself and pretend I don't even have a mother, well, then I guess it won't be all that much different than it was, except I won't be hurting so damn bad.
So that's it - I'm pretty much done talking about it. I'm moving on, life without a mother. It will be hard for a while, I know. But I guess I'm stronger than I give myself credit for, because on Tuesday, I didn't think I'd even make it through the day. Then I remembered that I am not only a heartbroken daughter, I am a kick-ass MOTHER and that has to come first. So I'm focusing on my awesome children and getting on with life. Cuz it does just go on and on, life, even when you wonder how it can.
Thanks for all the kind comments and e-mails. It means a lot to know that so many people care about me and that I am not alone, there are lots of crazy moms/families out there! So if you need a shoulder to cry on or an ear to vent to, I can certainly relate and I'm happy to listen. Peace, my friends.