Meg had a type of cancer called Acute Myelogenous Leukemia (AML), and this was her 2nd relapse. Her poor little body just couldn't fight anymore, and her kidneys started shutting down a few days ago. She passed away surrounded by people who love her.
I'm so sad, heartbroken, angry, depressed.... everywhere I go, I think of this little girl. Every store I go into, every trip I go on, Cassidy and I look for things to send to "my Megan", as I affectionately called her. It's going to take a long time before I get used to the fact that I won't be buying or sending her any more "angel mail". Her parents called her their little bumblebee, and I will forevermore think of Meg when I see bumblebees. I take comfort in knowing that she no longer has to suffer, but it's a small comfort. She should NEVER have had to suffer. She should NEVER have gotten cancer. I cried for hours last night, and then I finally dropped off to sleep while thinking about her poor parents, and her sisters. How do you go to bed at night after your child just died? How do you get back up the next morning and just LIVE? How do you do laundry, clean the kitchen, pay bills? I keep them in my thoughts and prayers constantly and hope so much that they are able to get through this, because the awful fact is that life just goes on. HOW? Doesn't the world know that they just lost this precious child? How does the world just keep spinning and the clock keeps ticking and cancer keeps taking more precious lives from us? I will never know, but I will always be thankful that I got to be a part of this little sweetheart's life. I don't have any regrets and the pain and heartache is worth it, I believe that I made a difference in her life and I know that my mail made her smile and that she knew how much I adored her. And I know she adored me. I have to be happy with that, because I don't have a choice.
Being involved with ChemoAngels and Audrey's Umbrella and various other cancer support organizations has made a huge difference in my life, and I am very thankful to have been able to be involved. But it's also been heartbreaking at times - over the years, I have become close with other families whose children lost the battle. Jessi M. was a little girl close in age to my own daughter Cassidy, and I became close with her and her parents. She passed away on my wedding anniversary several years ago, I still visit her website and leave messages to reassure her parents that she will never be forgotten. Kaitlyn was just a baby, a BABY, less than a year old, when she was diagnosed with a brain tumor in 2001. She died when she was only 20 months old. Her mom Donnell and I have stayed in contact, I consider her a good friend even though we've never "met".
So there have been times like today when I'm just devastated and I think "Can I keep doing this?" and I can tell you that I am 100% positive that I CAN keep doing this. How can I NOT? If I can bring a smile to a little kid who is going through cancer treatment, how can I choose NOT to do that? I can't, that's just me. So I'll cry for a while and I will never, ever forget my Megan, but I will not let the heartache and pain make me stop - that would be like letting cancer win even more, and I will never do that. I'm so thankful that I got a chance to meet Meg in real life and give her a hug, I will always be grateful to her mom for driving her to meet me - it was the best Christmas gift ever, one I will always remember with a smile.
Hug your loved ones today and tell them what they mean to you. And say a prayer for my Megan's family, please. I'm sure they can use all the prayers they can get.
Rest in peace, little bumblebee. You deserve it. I love you always and forever. <3>
I am so so sorry Jenn. We have lost too many kiddo's to this beast. I don't even want to count how many I have Angeled that cancer took. Sending you lots of hugs, Linda
ReplyDeleteI found your blog through the SCS Wish RAK thread your mention of being a chemoangel there made me follow the link to your blog. What a poignant post about Megan.
ReplyDeleteI got involved with chemoangels when my husband was in his last stages of leukemia - also AML.
I too have found it to be an exceptional way to supportive to those whose families are battling cancer.
I've been lucky these past 17 months and have lost no chemo buddies, but my current little buddy has relapsed 3 times. Three times and he's only 9!
Thanks for all you do!
Teresa
Hugs to ya Jenn!!!!
ReplyDeleteJenn, my heart goes out to you.
ReplyDeletei knew megan she went to my school i miss her sooo much i love her with all my heart <333 she was the nicest person i knew she never felt bad for herself.....
ReplyDeletemiss ya megan
so does everyone eles
R.I.P. Megan Lynn Cordeiro "little bumble bee"
you will always be in my <3
you are my hero
lot of love
jasmin
i waz one of Megan best friends we went to school together and she lived right across from me and we were best friends and we both loved each others i know how everyone feels to lose her she waz the best thing that happen to us and we all love her and miss her.
ReplyDeletei still cant believe she is gone and i still have all these emotions. We all miss our little brave bumble bee its a good thing she doesn’t have to suffer anymore but y cant she not suffer and still be her with everyone that loves her i miss u meg and i will never forget you love u always <3
R.I.P Megan Lynn Our Brave Little Bumblebee u will never be forgotten i love u forever and i will never stop being one of your best friends
Rachel <3
Jenn, I try to keep up with your blog and I am not sure how I missed this post. It had me in tears. You have helped me through so much in the last 8 years (can you believe that it's been that long?)
ReplyDeleteCancer sucks and it sucks when innocent kids (like Megan and my Kaitlyn) lose out on so much because of it. 7 years after her death I still ache for her as much as that first day without her in my arms. I wish you could have met her..maybe someday we will "meet".
Megan, its been a year since you died but that doesnt change anything. u r still one of my bff.
ReplyDeletethe things i remeber about you were always good.U left a good impression on everyone. but i wish you didn't have to leave. U brought everyone closer togerther and you've changed so many lives megan.. i just wish you were here to see it. I wish that it was me istead of you megan. you mean soo much to everyone. I wish there was just one thing that could bring you back. If there was i would do. I would do it just to see you smile and hear your laugh. I was always happy when i was with you megan and even if i wasent u would always change that
Megan you are a brave little bumblebee. everytime i see one it reminds me of you. todsay i was playing basketball and i just started to bawl my eyes out because i remember that the day you dies i was playing basketball with my friend jordan and he helped me get through the pain of you dying. he told me that he lost a best friend to to a hit and run accident. megan i just want you back. backk here where you blong
with us everyone. we all love you and we will never forget you. you will be in my heart forever. <33 and i know that you are in a better place and you are not suffering but like rachel said why did you have to die to get that. why did you have to get cancer in the first place. what did you do. so many unanwsered questions meagn and i just want to know one simple one why you??
your hubby, jasmin
I went to school with Megan and we played in the orchestra together(she played the viola and I play the violin). When I found out she had cancer, I just couldn't believe it. One year after her death, I still can't believe it. She never did anything to deserve this and I miss her so much. R.I.P. Brave Little Bumblebee. You are always in my heart.
ReplyDelete