Another day...

Well, I figured I'd update since I have been pouring my heart out this week. Yesterday afternoon at work, my sister came into my office and informed me that she was following me home and taking me to my mother's to talk to her. Being the wimp that I am, I couldn't refuse. LOL Seriously, though, I don't really think I'm a wimp - I think it's more that I just can't stand living like this. And apparently my mother was never going to make the first move, so I went.

It went... OK. I tried to explain how I feel, why I feel the way I do, as many of you suggested. But my mom is just - different. She doesn't really listen. She seems to only care about how it makes HER feel. I let her tell me her take on the situation (she says she thought I was supposed to call her Monday night and that I never did so she figured I didn't want her to come over) and I listened and told her that I could see that we obviously had very different perspectives on it - but when I told her how I felt and MY perspective on it, she was just like "Well, that's not how I saw it." I told her I cried all night waiting for her to come over, cried all day the next day to the point that I had to call in sick to work. She acted like she didn't even hear me. No "I'm so sorry you felt that way", nothing like that. Which is what I kind of wanted and needed, but whatever. She really doesn't get it and I just have to accept that we are completely different people, I guess.

Now, I am 37 years old and she's been my mother my whole life. So the real question that I'm asking myself is why this is suddenly so very upsetting to me NOW - when in the past, I've managed to just deal with it - ignore her, let it go, etc. I don't know why it hurts so bad all of a sudden, or why I'm so surprised.

Anyway, Michelle was awesome through the whole thing and I could not have done it without her. No way. She's so cute, she's getting her BA in Psychology right now, which is what I did about 6 years ago - and it's so cute listening to her talk about Cognitive Psychology and why we feel the way we do. She told my mom, "Listen, it doesn't matter if we're 20, 35, or 50 years old - when it comes to you, we will always feel like 12-year-olds." The point she was trying to make was that as the MOM, she really should make more of an effort - especially if she knows her kids are upset or angry. She claims she didn't know why I was ever upset with her to begin with - so my question was "Then why didn't you ask?" Her answer? "I figured you'd call me when you were ready." To me, that's not acceptable. If Cassidy was mad at me and I did not even know WHY, you can bet your sweet ass that I would call her relentlessly and/or plop my ass on her front steps and refuse to leave until she told me why. Anyway, Michelle is going to make someone a very good counselor or therapist some day. She can stay calm and talk about stuff, hard stuff. I can't stay calm, no matter how hard I try. My heart just starts pounding and my stomach feels sick and I start crying and I want to lash out. Even now, as I type this, my eyes are filled with tears.

I had a good talk with my brother, too. I guess he's doing OK - he looks good, he seems normal, I can only hope and pray that he really does stay clean and keep growing up. He's 33, I want him to be able to get the hell out of there and have his own life. He's hurt all of us a lot, but he's still my brother, you know? And I really try not to hold grudges - we can't change the past, so what's the point in hanging on to it, especially if it makes you feel bad? We talked about Trevor and Christopher and I explained how Trevor feels, why he's jealous, and Jimmy understands - he at least makes more of an effort to understand than my mother does. Weird. You know, now that I think about it - Trevor is actually a lot LIKE my mother - rigid thinking, stubborn, enjoys arguing with people... that's probably the reason WHY they tend to clash. LOL Maybe my mother has Asperger's.... Only half joking here - wouldn't matter, anyway, there is no way I'd ever suggest that.

When talking to my mother, at one point she cried and said that she'd love to have a life and be able to go out to dinner and spend time with the kids, but that she HAS TO work, etc. And that was really hard for me, because as I've mentioned before, one of the reasons she has to work is because she supports my brother and his child. And I get it - I do understand that you don't just abandon your son, and what else can she do? And I wouldn't want to be in her shoes for all the money in the world. And I do think about Trevor and the fact that at one point I felt so hopeless about his situation, you know? But I had to bite my tongue, because the 12-year-old little girl - DAUGHTER - in me so wanted to say "I don't care! What about ME? What about MY kids? Don't we EVER get a turn? Don't we matter?" But I didn't. Michelle knew how much it took for me to not say anything, and she just kept squeezing my hand and hugging me and stuff.

AND - my mom has been through a lot in life. I know I've blogged about it before, but she found out that my biological father was a drug addict when we were just becoming teenagers - and she divorced him almost immediately. She worked her ass off so that we wouldn't lose our home. And we were little shits - I was always getting in trouble in high school! And ultimately, I have to give credit to my mom for me turning out to be the person that I am - and I am a damn good person, and an even better mother. So she IS a good mom, she always WAS a good mom. She's just different - we are different people, and I have to quit sulking over it and wishing that she'd be something she can't be. Easier said than done, though, you know?

So we left there after about an hour, and we are OK now, I guess. Better, at least. Tomorrow we are all taking Papa out to dinner for his birthday, and I am definitely glad to be a part of that, because he really is a special guy. It's a surprise, which we've never done - so Michelle and Jimmy and I and the kids will be there waiting and my mom will pretend that she wants to take him to dinner, so when they walk in he will see us all there already. It should be fun.

Jeremy will be home Sunday and I cannot wait to see him. He's taking the red-eye home, so I'm sure he'll be exhausted when he gets here, but it's football day and he can just take it easy. Tonight is Halloween - Cassidy is already off with her friends, going trick-or-treating and then sleeping at her friend's house. I am taking Trevor out to dinner and then we'll come home and watch a movie.

Peace and Happy Halloween - stay safe.

Crappy day update

Well, it certainly didn't get any better. *sigh* I stupidly hold out hope for the best most of the time, and I guess it's to my detriment to get my hopes up when it comes to my mother. Because it makes it hurt even more.

Apparently, as soon as my mother woke up the other day, my brother made sure to tell her exactly what I said. I'm not surprised, and I did say it, so I have to just deal with it. But my cell phone rang around 3:15 that afternoon, and it was my mother's house. And stupid, pathetic, optimistic me - my heart stopped for a second and I thought "This is it - she's going to call me and she's going to say 'honey, what is wrong? Can I come talk to you?' and I'd say of course!" But no. She said "JENN?" in this bitchy tone of voice, and I knew then it probably wasn't going to be good. I kind of said "mmmm?" and she said "I got your message, and I'd like to hear that from YOU." But if you could hear the TONE of my mother's voice, you'd be scared, too. So I burst into tears and started stuttering and eventually busted out with "I can't talk to you - just stay out of my life." Which she then interpreted to Papa (my step-dad) as "Yes, mom, I want you to die." I'm not kidding - that's what she told him I said.

I went to the counselor last night (Trevor's counselor, but has turned out to be just as good and therapeutic for me!) and my eyes were full of tears and I mentioned to her that I think my mom is mentally ill. She said, "that's a hard thing to say out loud, isn't it?" It really is. I joked about it for years, but I'm really serious. And the scariest thing of all is that mental illness runs in my family - BOTH sides. I have to be so careful, and so aware. I tell my husband, no matter what, he HAS to tell me if I ever start acting like that - cold, mean, uncaring, depressed, whatever. Because I WILL get help, even if I get mad when he tells me. LOL

I was crying after I talked to Papa and I said to Cassidy, "God, I wish I had a loving, caring mom - the kind you want to talk to when you're upset." And she said, "You wish you had YOU for a mom!" and I just BURST into tears and gave her a big hug and kiss and told her that she just made my day. She really put things into perspective for me - I love being a mom, I love my kids more than anything in the world - and I guess I must be doing a pretty good job at it for her to feel that way. It's not always easy to be a good mom, and I know that. We're moms, but we're also PEOPLE, we're human, our feelings get hurt, we get mad. I know that, and I understand that my own mom is also a person, a human - with her own feelings and all that. But we are MOMS first and foremost, and that means something to me. That means when my kids need me, I put aside my own feelings and opinions and I'm there for them. And I am going to try to always remember that, even when they're adults and have their own families and lives. I don't ever want my kids to feel about me the way that I feel about my mother - as if I don't matter, as if I'm just another person in her life that she can discard so damn easily without a care in the world. I don't expect my mom to always agree with me or to never get into arguments. What I did expect was for my mom to ackowledge that she hurt me, and to say she's sorry. That won't happen, though, and I just have to come to terms with it.

I talked to Jeremy last night and told him that I guess I just have to accept this and move on. If I have to go through this holiday season with no mother, then I will just have to turn myself off to make it through without having a mental breakdown. And once I turn myself off and try to make it stop hurting so bad, I will just be done - forever. I'll have to be, because I am such an emotional person that I couldn't handle the roller-coaster of it all... And Jeremy knows, more than anyone, Jeremy knows - he said "babe, it's OK - you don't deserve to feel this way, you don't need to put up with this." And I know that, but it doesn't make it any easier. She is my MOTHER. I can't just go get a new one, you know? But I have to look at it this way, because it will make it a little bit easier to get through - my mother isn't really involved in my life much when things are GOOD - so to just distance myself and pretend I don't even have a mother, well, then I guess it won't be all that much different than it was, except I won't be hurting so damn bad.

So that's it - I'm pretty much done talking about it. I'm moving on, life without a mother. It will be hard for a while, I know. But I guess I'm stronger than I give myself credit for, because on Tuesday, I didn't think I'd even make it through the day. Then I remembered that I am not only a heartbroken daughter, I am a kick-ass MOTHER and that has to come first. So I'm focusing on my awesome children and getting on with life. Cuz it does just go on and on, life, even when you wonder how it can.

Thanks for all the kind comments and e-mails. It means a lot to know that so many people care about me and that I am not alone, there are lots of crazy moms/families out there! So if you need a shoulder to cry on or an ear to vent to, I can certainly relate and I'm happy to listen. Peace, my friends.

Crappy day

**Warning - I'm upset and this post has some bad language. Don't read it if you're easily offended. I swear when I'm upset. You've been warned. Thank you. **

My husband Jeremy left to spend 10 days in California last week, doing some electrical work at his mother's house, so I made plans to go out with a couple of friends Saturday night. Just as I was getting ready to walk out the door, the phone rang and Trevor answered it. He looked at me and said quietly, "it's nana" and held the phone out to me.

My mother and I got into an "argument" over a month ago. I have always been the one to give in and try to make nice, but this time I decided that I was sick of being the doormat, sick of wondering if I WASN'T the one to make nice, if she'd ever care enough to call me or the kids, her GRANDCHILDREN. So the past month goes by, and every now and then I'd catch myself crying over it, but then I'd pull myself together and just go on. Apparently, my sister and her son Josh, who is 11 years old, were over my parent's house Friday night. My mother mentioned making plans for Christmas, and Josh started crying and said "When are you going to call my auntie? I want my whole family together for Christmas!!" So she promised him that she'd call me.

So OK - Saturday night, I'm about to walk out the door with my friends and she calls. So I get on the phone and I try SUPER hard to sound really nice, and I said "Hi mom - I can't believe you're calling right now, I'm just walking out the door." and I was kind of laughing, you know, like what bad timing. So she says kind of bitchy, "well, I was going to ask if I could come over, but I guess not." So I said "Oh - well, not tonight -but how about tomorrow night?" and she says "I have to work." So I said "OK mom" and she waited a minute and said "What about Monday night?" and I said "Sure! Any night is fine, I just happen to be going out tonight." So she said "OK - see you Monday."

Sunday afternoon, Papa calls me (Papa is my step-dad but more like my real dad) and I told him that mom was coming over Monday night, and that I hoped she wasn't planning on being bitchy when she got here, and he was like "No, Jenn, I'm sure she won't be, you know her... blah blah blah" So I was a little anxious with the anticipation, but also kind of excited and relieved to be getting it over with. I mean, she's my MOM, you know? She's my kids NANA.

So - Monday, I go to work. I come home at 5:15 and I make a frozen pizza for us for dinner because I don't want my mom to walk in when we're in the middle of a big dinner. Next thing I know, it's 7:00, no mom. 7:30, no mom. My kids start asking me "is she coming?" and I kind of snap, "I DON'T KNOW!" Around 8:30, I went up to my bedroom to watch TV. I kept running to the windows every time I heard a car go by. I went in Cassidy's room, and she was sitting next to her window with the blinds open, also watching for Nana. I gave up on her around 9:30, but I couldn't sleep. Neither could Cassidy. I lay down with her for about a half hour and we talked, and I swore that I would commit suicide before I would EVER hurt her or let her suffer and feel as bad as my mother makes me feel, and I mean that with all my heart. I'd rather be dead than act like her. By 11:00 p.m., I knew my mother was at work and wasn't even going to call me. I wasn't sure how I felt, I felt kind of numb.

I couldn't sleep. Kept waking up sweating. Turned off my alarm clock and figured I'd sleep a little late. Got up late and Cassidy didn't feel good - she's like me, she gets physically ill when she's really upset and/or emotional, my poor little mini-me-basket-case! LOL So I left Papa a voice mail message on his cell phone saying "I don't know what happened, but I was like a pathetic child waiting for Santa last night - in the window hoping that every car was my mother." Then I sent my sister a text message saying that mom never came over last night. My mother gets home from work around 7:30 a.m. , so Michelle called her and said, "Mom, did you forget about Jenn last night??" and my loving, caring, wonderful mother said "No, she didn't really act like she wanted me to - and Trevor didn't seem to, either."

I shit you not - this is a 59-year-old woman, OK? This is my MOTHER - Trevor's GRANDMOTHER. She is heartless, mean, cold, and a bigtime BITCH. I am done. The whole reason that I was mad at her was because of how she treated Trevor - so what did she THINK was going to happen, that after 5 weeks of ignoring us all, we were all going to start singing and dancing when she finally did decide to call?? Are you kidding me? Trevor is 15 years old - he's just a kid! You're going to blame him? I burst into tears and hung up with my sister and called my mother's house. My brother answered and said my mother was in bed (she has NO problem sleeping apparently. Must be nice.). I told him to tell her that as far as me and my kids are concerned, I hope she dies.

I did - I said that. And the worst part is that part of me means it. Part of me just wishes she'd die, so I could cry and mourn her and miss her and not be continuously fucking hurt over and over and over again. The other part of me feels like the biggest asshole in the world for saying that. I guess my brother called my sister when I hung up and said "I can't tell mom that - what do I say?" and Michelle said "Say whatever you want, but you have to tell her that Jenn called upset. You have to understand that we're just DONE - she doesn't act like she cares about us, she went 7 months without talking to me, and only started talking to me when I showed up at her house. Now she's doing it to Jenn, and we're just done."

So now it's 10:00 a.m. and I haven't stopped crying since around 8:00. I had to call in to work because I'm like a blubbering idiot. Every time I open my mouth to say something, I burst into tears. The thing that pisses me off the most is that I was doing fine - I was sad, I was hurt, but I was fine. I don't understand why she did this to me. She's so selfish and mean - you see, she's pissed because she wanted to come over Saturday night - because that would have been convenient for her. She didn't work Saturday night. Why she didn't just come Sunday during the day or something, I have no idea. But I am sick to death of her expecting US to always make accomodations based on HER schedule. Fuck her - it wasn't CONVENIENT that I happened to have plans already, and I'm sure it really screwed with her that I didn't DROP those plans because Super Mom wanted to come over THAT NIGHT. This is how she is with everything and always has been my whole life - she'll take a night off or work something out with her job if her precious Jimmy and his son, Christopher, want to do something - she'll take a night off or re-arrange her schedule if one of her sisters or her mother wants to make plans. But me and Michelle? Fuck us. We don't matter, apparently. When my kids were little, I'd try to make plans months in advance and I'd need a babysitter and ask her and she'd say "Well, I usually work on those nights, so I can't say for sure." EVERYTHING - everything - never in my life has she said "Oh sure, honey, thanks for telling me 2 months in advance, I'll be sure to schedule that night off." No, not my mom. As a matter of fact, there's been times we've actually had plans and she's called to cancel because she got a chance to work overtime. Can't turn that down, even if it breaks your daughter's heart, you know. Jimmy needs cigarettes, and those things are expensive!

So now she's going to lie flat-out and say that I didn't act like I wanted her to come? Bullshit. My friend Missy was standing RIGHT THERE when I had the conversation, and when I hung up, Missy said "You did SOOO good - you were so happy and chipper, I'm proud of you." And I know I was, because I truly was happy that she finally called. Of course, at that point I didn't know that my 11-year-old nephew had pretty much guilted her into it - but even that wouldn't have bothered me if things had worked out. I am absolutely heart-broken, and I feel sick to my stomach.

So - my brother says to my sister, "Well, did she tell you why she didn't go?" and Michelle said "Yeah, she said she didn't think Jenn wanted her there." And he said, "No - when she got out of the bathroom after waking up, there were 3 cops and my probation officer here wanting to do a house check. They were here for a while." Ahhh - OK - so now it's starting to make sense. Once again, my loser brother has something to do with it. Let me tell you, probation officers do not just show up with 3 cops to do "house checks" at 7-8:00 at night for the hell of it. So apparently my brother is acting like a loser again - which doesn't surprise me, because he was doing "OK" for a while - and it never lasts long. So instead of calling me and apologizing and admitting what was REALLY going on, she's pretending that I didn't really act like I wanted her here anyway.

I'm feeling so bitter, and I hate it. My heart hurts and I feel like I'm losing my mind sometimes. I absolutely hate it. It is making me feel sick. I wish my husband was home, I miss him. I guess I'm just going to feel sorry for myself today and hope that I can get over it soon. I'm pissed that I missed work today, I'm pissed that I let her have that much power over me that I can barely even hold myself together. I should KNOW BETTER by now, I shouldn't be surprised or even upset about any of this. So I guess that's why I'm mad, too, mad at myself for letting it upset me so much. I absolutely hate conflict, confrontation, arguments - but at the same time, as much as I hate all of that, I won't tolerate being treated like crap or letting my kids be treated like crap.

Writing makes me feel better, so I write. I much prefer to write happy, funny, upbeat blogs - but I have to write from my heart, so every now and then, I am sorry to depress you all with these maniacal ravings. LOL It helps to know that people care, and that I'm not alone. Thanks for sticking with me. I hope to be back to "myself" soon - I'm not a good self-pitier, really. I don't even have any chocolate to eat while I cry and feel sorry for myself today. LOL

Peace, my friends.

It's Friday!!!

I am so glad it's Friday, peeps. I gotta tell you - I HATE PMS. I was so miserable yesterday, I felt like crawling out of my own skin. I hardly ever eat meat, and I would have killed for a Big Mac. LOL But I was a good girl and ate my Lean Cuisine for lunch - but then I did have a couple of mini Hershey bars. Hey, I was so grouchy I was about to bite someone - the chocolate saved someone's life, I'm sure of it. So it was worth it. Calories that save lives just don't count, OK? Anyway, I called in to work today - I need a "mental health day" - and I'm working tomorrow (Open House on Saturday) so I'm taking today off instead. Trust me, I'm doing them all a favor by not going in today.

Guess what I found out yesterday? Michelle (my sis) and I went to this clothing store that I like during our lunch break. While shopping, we ran into one of our cousins who we have not seen in years. She's on my dad's side, and we really don't have much contact with anyone from my dad's side (my grandparents all died years ago, my aunts died years ago, etc.). This cousin is the daughter of my favorite aunt, Judy, who I blogged about here. Anyway, we started talking and end up discussing our kids, of course. Her son, who is 3 years older than Trevor, has Asperger's. Turns out he graduated from THE SAME SCHOOL TREVOR WENT TO - last year! THEN - she tells me that her brother's son ALSO has Asperger's. OMG - it IS hereditary, but I thought for SURE it was from Jeremy's side. I should have known better. My genetics totally suck. My poor kids have no hope. Seriously, though - on my side of the family, we have a history of everything from mental illness to heart disease to drug addiction. Scary shit.

Did I tell you that Jeremy went to California? His mom lives in northern California, wine country, and Jeremy and his friend Mike went to her house to do some electrical work. He left yesterday and he'll be gone for about 10 days. Tonight my cousin Angela is coming over to hang out with me for a few hours, then I'm working in the morning, then I'm going to a Halloween party tomorrow night with some of my old friends. I'm really looking forward to it, and it's kind of nice that Jeremy's gone right now - when he's home, he can't sleep if I'm not home. So if I go out, he's calling my cell phone by midnight, "where are you? When are you coming home? I can't sleep without you..." LOL So it will be nice to be able to have fun and know that no one is waiting up for me. It's also great that my kids are old enough that I don't have to worry about getting babysitters every time I want to leave the house. Cassidy is going to her own Halloween party, so Trevor will just be home watching movies and making a mess. hee hee

Have any of you New Englanders put your heat on yet? My car was covered in frost this morning, but I am NOT putting my heat on. It's 37 degrees out right now - I have my space heater on in the living room and the house has stayed at around 61 degrees overnight, and it got up to 68 in here yesterday during the day. I refuse to put the heat on until November 1, at the very least - unless it drops below 60 in here, then I'll have to break down and turn it on. We have been really good about conserving oil - we turn the furnace switch off completely and only turn it on to heat up water when we need it for showers or dish-washing, etc. It's been a big help, too, the last oil delivery we got has lasted a long time - Jeremy's plan is to win his fantasy football thing, first prize is $950.00 - and he plans to use that for an oil fill-up! LOL If he DOESN'T win? Well, he's in first place right now - so let's just be optimistic, OK? hee hee

Well I'm going to do some stuff around the house this morning and go to the post office and stuff since I won't be able to tomorrow. Have a happy Friday! Peace!

Helmet Heroes

OK I was watching TV last night and this commercial came on for this new toy by Playskool called "Helmet Heroes". You can see it by clicking on this link... Now let me explain to you what it is - it's a helmet for pre-school age children that comes with either handlebars or a steering wheel - depending on whether you get the policeman or race car driver. This is one of the most ridiculous toys I have ever seen, and if anyone had bought my child this thing, I can assure you I would have "accidentally" stepped on it and broke it within 5 minutes. This thing makes noises - police sirens, screeching tires, etc. - WHILE ENCOURAGING YOUR CHILD TO RUN RAMPANT THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE! I'm not even kidding you - the kid puts on his helmet, holds on to his steering wheel/handlebars, and RUNS around the house pretending to be a race car driver or policeman. I don't know what moron came up with this accident-waiting-to-happen, but he/she DEFINITELY does not have children of his/her own. Either that, or they hate children and want them to get in trouble. I mean, seriously, what parent in their right mind (maybe that's the key here...) would say to their 3-year-old, "Here, honey, I bought you this great new toy that you can only use by running around the house like a freaking maniac making as much noise as possible!" Are you serious? I mean, look what the product description includes, "The adjustable helmet has colored lights, a flip-up visor and a microphone that amplifies your child’s voice" - as if 3-4-year-olds need their freaking voices AMPLIFIED! ROFL Can't you just picture parents of pre-schoolers everywhere praying to God that their kids don't see that stupid commercial?

Well, our beloved Red Sox lost. Looking on the bright side, I don't have to worry about staying up late to watch the World Series, at least. There's always next year.... the mantra of New Englanders everywhere... LOL

So Jeremy is leaving tomorrow morning, going to do some work at his mother's house in California - it's northern California, though - no sunshine and beaches for him. He's going with his friend Mike to do some electrical wiring for her. He will be gone for about 10 days, and it worked out well because they told him at the union hall that there should be a job ready for him in about 2 weeks - so hopefully it will be ready when he gets back. In the meantime, I'm back to being a single mother for a week or so. I actually have a lot going on over the next week, though, so it will probably fly by.

Cassidy is in a play on Thursday evning at school, my cousin is coming to hang out with me Friday night, and I'm going to a Halloween party at my friend Tracie's house Saturday night. I have an idea of what my costume is going to be, but I'm not tellin'. You'll just have to wait to see the pictures, as I definitely plan on bringing my camera. I am tagging along with my friend Kerry, and there are going to be lots of my old friends there, some who I haven't seen in 10 years or more, so I am really looking forward to it.

It's been a little over a month now since I've spoken to or seen my mother. It's sad, because I know that she'll never care enough to call me or anything. I go back and forth between being sad and being angry, and just not caring. I have PMS right now, so I was feeling sorry for myself the other day, just wishing things were different, wishing my family was even half-way normal. So I know that if I ever want a relationship with her again, I'll most likely have to make the first move. And I just don't want to. Papa hasn't even called me, though, and that's not like him (Papa is my step-father, but more like my real father)... so I wonder what is going on over there. I heard that my brother is not doing great, so I'm sure they are pre-occupied with his drama and shit. Trevor started his new school a couple of weeks ago, and they had heard from my sister about it, so Papa did call Trevor once or twice to ask him how it was going, so THAT was nice, at least. But I was SUCH a basket-case back in September, I cannot believe that my own mother hasn't called me to see how I am, if I'm OK - how Trevor is, how Cassidy is, etc. One of my cousins said something to me like, "Doesn't your mom call the kids?" and I had to laugh - no, my mother doesn't call my kids. I don't even know how to explain my mother without sounding mean... I love her to death, don't get me wrong, I mean, she's my MOTHER. I always thought that we were very close, but it's really more my attempt at being close to her. It hurts, but I now realize that without my efforts, I probably wouldn't have much of a relationship with her at all. And, mother or not, relationships just cannot be one-sided. That's not a relationship. I hate it, though. I stopped asking her to "babysit" years ago - now I should explain that my mom works nights, and she loves her over-time, because you can imagine that getting paid overtime on top of a shift differential, it's good money. I have always been very understanding of her working. But here's what hurts - if her mother or one of her sisters wants to do something and they tell her ahead of time, she'll schedule a night off for them. If her precious JIMMY (loser brother) wants to take his son Christopher to the beach in the Summer, well then of COURSE she'll take the time off - I mean, Jimmy doesn't have a license because of his drug and alcohol convictions - Jimmy has no friends because he has screwed over every person he's ever met - so how ELSE is he going to take his kid to the beach? Ohhh, I sound so jealous and petty - I don't even care, though, it's the truth and it sucks. If I, or my sister, asks her to do something - whether it's babysitting, or attending a family function, or just wanting to DO something with her - it's always "I have to work" or "I won't be able to tell you until the day before, because I might have to work." That hurts, pretty badly. So eventually, I just stopped asking. But the hurt has never gone away. My cousin Carissa's baby shower is in a few weeks, and I wonder if my mom will go... if she does, it will be the first time I will have seen her in close to 2 months. And I can almost guarantee you that she will be a complete bitch and just give me dirty looks, if she even looks at me at all. I'll end up crying, and what a FUN baby shower that will be - but quite typical of my family's events/functions, actually. I'll do my best, though, because Carissa deserves a drama-free baby shower. The thing is - if my mother called me tonight and just said, "Jenn, I'm sorry I hurt you - can we talk?" I'd burst into tears and be like "MOMMY - I MISS YOU!" LOL Pathetic, I know.

Lastly - this is the first year that I won't be going trick-or-treating with my kids, and I am a little bit traumatized by that. We did trick-or-treating for 15 years together! LOL Now that they are 13 and 15, they are not interested. Cassidy is going with friends, and Trevor isn't going at all. Him and I are going to stay home and eat junk food and watch scary movies, we've decided. Jeremy won't be home yet, so it'll just be me and Trev. We'll have a good time, though, we both love scary movies AND junk food. hee hee

Well I guess I've gone on long enough for today - better save some for another day. :o) Peace!

Happy Sunday!

Happy Sunday! It's a gorgeous, chilly Fall day in New England - and all is well with the world, cuz our beloved Red Sox kicked ASS last night! Now we just have to do it again tonight and we'll go to the World Series. We take our sports pretty seriously here in New England, and we like to keep everyone on the edge of their seats - I swear they purposely lose a few games just to keep the anticipation going for as long as possible! Plus, it's just more fun like this - who wants to just win the first four games in a row? BORING! So - GO SOX!!!

Last night we had a fire in our fireplace, and it was just lovely. I love the fireplace. We refuse to turn our heat on until at LEAST November 1. So we have a space-heater (electric) in the living room, and if we keep it on "medium" all night, it keeps the house at about 61-62 degrees. With the fire roaring last night, it was 68 in here. Damn near tropical! Cassidy is the only one who complains, which cracks me up - she'll come downstairs half-naked wearing boxer shorts and a tank top and she'll say "OH MY GOD, I'm FREEZING!" Well, half-naked girl, go put some damn clothes on! LOL Of course, she thinks we're just mean and cheap.

Trevor update: Trevor has been doing great since he switched schools. His attitude has improved tremendously - it's like this weight was lifted from him and he isn't as anxious and ready for a fight as he was before. He talks positively about his school and always has good things to say when he gets home and we ask him how his day went. He's just been a more pleasant kid to be around, you can tell HE is much happier, and that means so much to me. I will continue to keep you updated on his progress.

Kittens, anyone? My cousin Angela's cat gave birth to 6 kittens the other night. This is the 2nd litter of kittens within the past few months, and she is getting the mama cat-whore fixed ASAP. But in the meantime - there are 6 little black fuzzy Q-T pies that will need homes in about 8 weeks - hey, JUST IN TIME FOR CHRISTMAS!!! Come on, you know you want one... or two... or six.... hee hee She threatened to give one to Cassidy for Christmas, but Jeremy will never allow her to come drink dark beer and Smirnoff Ice's with us again, so I have a feeling she won't follow through with that threat. LOL Seriously, though, we have to find these little furballs a home, so please let me know if you want one or know anyone who does!

How about this election? Are you all as freaking sick to death of hearing about Palin-the-beauty-queen and Obama Bin Baden as I am? I don't know about you, but every stinkin' election year, I'm so sick of it all that I really don't care WHO wins, as long as they all shut the hell up! I haven't been happy with our choices since Bill Clinton was in office, and I would have voted for Hillary just to get him back, to be honest. Let's face it, whoever wins has GOT to be better than the current dolt we have running our country - and I use the word "running" very loosely, and in lieu of a more realistic verb (think "destroying" or "ruining").

Bought my first jar of "eye wrinkle cream" yesterday - Oil of Olay, of course - and yeah, it was a little bit traumatic. WRINKLE CREAM, people. And what's up with one side of your face (well, my face, anyway) aging worse than the other? My left side is NOT my good side. It's weird! I have small wrinkles on the corner of my left eye (note to self: STOP SMILING SO DAMN MUCH - can't you just be normal and miserable, goddamnit?), and another "age spot" on my upper left cheek, under the offending eye. I do not like them. I like my freckles, and I've never been one to say things like "ohmygod I HATE my.... eyes/ears/hair/smile/etc." I'm no Miss America, but I'm content with how I look. OK, OK, I don't like the fat. But I've even made my peace with that, to tell you the truth. It comes off when I make it. I have to work to make it. I don't always feel like working to make it, so I still have some. My fault, so I have accepted it. I lost 40 pounds a little over a year ago, and I only put a few of them back on (and they usually creep up around my period, when I feel like I could gnaw my own arm off if I didn't have chocolate and salt) - but I need to lose another 40. My father died when he was 44. He was a drug addict, but heart disease runs in his family and the drugs only exacerbated it. My cousin Bonnie, my dad's sister Judy's daughter, dropped dead on Mother's Day, 2003, when she was only 38 years old. Massive heart attack. She left behind a husband and 2 small children, who are just about the same ages as my own kids. So let's just say I'm not oblivious to the health risks of being overweight. I have never smoked cigarettes, and I'm not a drug addict. I'm not even a drinker, really - I only have 4-5 drinks maybe a few times per year. More when Angela comes over. hee hee But anyway, I'm a pretty content person. But I do NOT like these wrinkles and "age spots". ICK. GO AWAY! I have to admit, if I was a rich girl (la la la la la la la la la la laaaa .... go Gwen), I would not be against getting a couple innocent little collagen injections around my eyes. But I'm not, and I can think of about, oh, a bazillion other more important things to save/spend my money on, so I have no plans for cosmetic surgery or "improvements" any time soon. So I'll stick with the $15-a-jar-wrinkle cream for now, and pray to all that is holy that it works. Or stop smiling. But I don't think I can do that - I've been smiling for 37 years, that's a long-ass habit to try to break - and truthfully, between you and me, I think the wrinkles are worth it. They're a small price to pay for being happy, right?

Well I've rambled on long enough - you may go about your leisurely Sunday now. I'm going to stamp some more, I've been on a roll lately. Peace and GO SOX!!

Apple pickin' and stuff!

First off, a look at the foliage around my house right now:

A beautiful tree in front of my house:

Today we went apple-picking! My cousin Angela and her 2 adorable kids met us there. I got a jar of hot pepper relish to make a dip for crackers, a jar of dill pickles cuz Cassidy wanted 'em, and a big ol' bag of apples we picked. Oh yeah, and a dozen cider donuts. The kids had cider, too. We had a good time - the weather was gorgeous, a perfect fall day. And the scenery was stunning. See for yourself!
Some foliage at the apple orchard:

My nutty daughter jumping into the picture as I
try to take a picture of the landscape:
Some pretty flowers that I didn't bother buying, because
they would have died as soon as I tried to water them or something.
I do NOT have a green thumb, so I just admire from a distance:
My cousin Angela and her kids -
Anthony is 4 and Siiri is 2.

Anthony, almost smiling:

Siiri, enjoying her cider donut:
Cassidy carrying Siiri:
Me and Angela - funny picture, cuz she's actually much taller than me!
My little monkey:
My other monkey:
The results:
Cassidy took this cool picture of the bag of cider
donuts that we bought! LOL

This is a picture of the Old Stone Church in West Boylston, on our drive home from the orchard. The Old Stone Church is the last of what was left of a section of West Boylston that was flooded and turned into the Wachusett Reservoir in 1905.
This is a popular spot for photographers, for everything from weddings to senior pictures, to just amateur photography.
So that was how we spent our day off today! I came home and made apple cake and apple crisp, and they both came out yummy. I just threw a frozen pizza in the oven (Oh but not just ANY frozen pizza, no - it's a DiGiorno GARLIC BREAD pepperoni pizza.... drool.....) and I am done for the day, baby. Back to work tomorrow. Peace!