Insanity

"Insanity is the only sane reaction to an insane society." - Thomas Szas

So I guess this guy had the attitude, "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em!" I sometimes feel like that would be the easiest option - just give up trying and let the insanity take over. It would be very easy to do in my family.

I shit you not, I come from a family of freaking lunatics. Sometimes it feels like I'm drowning in all the chaos and drama, and quite often I have to take a step back to observe it all from a distance before I get sucked in and lost forever. I'm a very emotional person, and I've had my own bouts with depression and anxiety. I'm not perfect by any means - I spent many years over-reacting when my feelings were hurt or I got the slightest bit angry. As I've gotten older, though, I've made a conscious effort to think before I speak or react, and it's helped me a lot. It's helped me maintain my own sense of control, it's helped me to avoid arguments/fights with my friends and family, and it's helped me to be a better person. Everyone has a right to their feelings, their thoughts, their beliefs. However, they should also always think twice before lashing out at their loved ones as a result of those feelings, thoughts, and beliefs. Just because you have a RIGHT to feel, think, or believe something - DOES NOT MAKE IT THE TRUTH. There, I said it! I don't HAVE TO agree with you, it doesn't diminish my love for you or my support of you to feel, think, or believe whatever it is you believe.

But let me tell you - it works both ways. You don't have to agree with what I think, feel, or believe. However, you do not have a right to treat me like a piece of shit just because you don't agree with me.

Families are supposed to be there for each other, support each other, help each other make it through the tough times. Sometimes the people you love tell you things that you don't want to hear, but you need to. My own sister has done this to me numerous times, and in the long run, I was always thankful to her for doing so. Because when you are in the middle of chaos and drama, everything is "fuzzy" - it's hard to think clearly and make good decisions. So even when I wasn't thrilled with her for saying something that might have been hard to hear, I knew I had to listen and I always knew that she was saying it because she loved me - even if I didn't necessarily agree with everything she was saying.

So anyway - between my mother and my sister, I cannot do anything right. They can say and do whatever they want, and I am supposed to accept it and deal with it and keep my mouth shut, cuz "it's not worth a fight". But I cannot say how I feel about something. I cannot tell my sister I am concerned for her because then she might have to talk about it and maybe even have to admit that her life is not perfect, and God forbid she do that. The hardest, worst part about it is that she is the closest person to me in my entire life besides my husband and children. She hasn't spoken to me in days, almost a week, and it's tearing me apart. We work together - she took off this entire week from work. And as far as I know, here's what I did wrong: I stuck up for Trevor at her son's birthday party, when my mother was screaming at him for throwing something at my annoying 7-year-old nephew who tries to get ALL the kids in trouble ALL THE TIME - AND MICHELLE'S IN-LAWS ASSURED ME THAT TREVOR COULD NOT HAVE THROWN ANYTHING BECAUSE HE WAS STANDING WITH THEM THE WHOLE TIME. But that's what I did. I had the nerve to get upset. After the awful f***ing week I had, after everything I'd been through with Trevor that week, after crying every day for about 10 days - I had the nerve to defend my son. What a bitch I am, huh? Oh - wait - then I also had the nerve to tell her that I was worried about her - and I won't divulge why here, because it's not something I'd ever blog about - but you can trust me when I say that if I was NOT worried about her, I wouldn't be a good sister at all. Or a good friend. And I'm both, whether she wants to admit it or not. I try, anyway, and that's all I can do. Like I said, I'm not perfect.

Then there's my mother. This particular situation at my sister's was awful - my mother had only been there for 10 minutes before I heard her yelling at Trevor. And I admit it, I yelled at her. I told her to cut the shit and stop blaming Trevor for everything, and that Christopher had been a brat the entire afternoon (he was - Michelle and I had both yelled at him several times). She didn't speak to me the rest of the day - she tried to call Trevor over to her about 15 minutes later to tell him about a dream she had, but he ignored her and I didn't blame him one bit. Instead of saying she was sorry, she tries to change the subject. Typical in my family. This was an especially bad day for her to lash out at Trevor after the week I had just gone through - I was feeling like no one cared about this poor kid except me and Jeremy.

I cannot talk to my mother about Trevor, I can't go to her when I'm upset or in the middle of a nervous breakdown because she just doesn't get it. And she really doesn't make any effort to. If anything, we have grown even more apart in the past couple of years. My brother Jimmy, who is 33 years old and on probation, lives with her. So does the annoying nephew I talked about earlier, Christopher, who is Jimmy's son. I love my nephew, don't get me wrong, but I also can hardly stand him. He is spoiled completely rotten and is pretty much a brat every time I see him. He whines, he throws temper tantrums, and he's just not a fun kid to be around. You can imagine how my children, who are 6 & 8 years older than him, feel about him. PLUS - he lives at my parent's house. If you've read my previous blog entries, you know where I'm going with this. He gets to see my parents, his grandparents, all the time. My kids NEVER see them. We live less than 2 miles away, but I would say we see them less than once each month. My kids have not slept at their grandparents house in years - I stopped asking, because my mother made me feel bad every single time I did. I don't think she even realized I stopped asking. I don't think she even realizes that they don't even want to anymore - she truly has missed out. They are teenagers now and she barely even has a relationship with them, it's actually quite sad. Trevor adores my father (my step-dad, but that doesn't matter - he's the only papa Trevor has ever known, my biological father died when I was pregnant with Trev) - so now and then, he'll ask if he can sleep over there with Papa. He asked "When will Christopher not be there?" Well - my mother made him feel like a piece of shit for asking that. She pretty much yelled at him, "Christopher LIVES here, he's ALWAYS here."

Well - poor Trevor, that kid was just crushed. He was so confused as to why Christopher gets nana and papa to himself all the time, and he was made to feel like a jerk for wanting them to himself for one freaking night. Just so you know, Christopher DOES have a mother and he DOES sleep at her house on certain nights. Why no one made an effort to coordinate a night when Christopher wouldn't be there for Trevor to sleep over, I'll never know. This past Summer, when my parents were on vacation, Trevor asked again if he could sleep over. Sure, they said - they'd let him know when. The whole week went by - no phone call. They went back to work the next week and never called him. And you know what? He makes excuses for them - he says "well, mom, they must have been busy - something must have come up." But I'll tell you, I'm crying just TYPING this damn entry, because I knew my son was hurt deeply. But he's a 15-year-old boy, so he shows it in different ways.

Now, this is my life. This is truly my LIFE - when it comes to family, it sometimes feels like one never-ending cycle of hurt after another. And then I wonder, "why do I even bother?" I mean, seriously - I watch enough Dr. Phil to know that unhealthy relationships are worse than no relationship at all! But we're talking about my MOTHER here, it's much easier to say "screw it, I give up" than to really do it. It's the most bizarre situation - I come from this huge family, but I feel so alone. I use that term "family" loosely, you know? To me, my family is my husband and kids - and they are my priority and my sanity. They are the ones who are there for me, who love me and treat me with love and kindness and respect. Again, isn't that what FAMILIES are for? If not, what is the goddamn point? I mean, I can surround myself with assholes anywhere and get treated like shit - but that would be stupid. So why is it any less stupid if the assholes happen to be related to you?

OK - enough - I'm wiped out now just from typing this. I got a call today from a clinician at the school that we are considering for Trev, they have a program for kids/teens with Asperger's. So Trevor and I have an appointment on Wednesday afternoon to go meet them and Trevor will be interviewed. I'm looking forward to it - I'm optimistic, I try to always be optimistic. I still believe that everything happens for a reason - sometimes it is really hard to keep that attitude, though, I'll tell you. I am so thankful for my husband, my kids, and some of my very good friends who have helped me maintain my sense of humor and my positive attitude (my cousin Angela, my friends Linda and Missy, my online friends Candy, Mindy, Sherry, and Erica, etc.) - thank you from the bottom of my heart for loving me despite my imperfections. You have no idea how much I appreciate it, and how much it means to me.

Peace.